Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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