Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
