2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
