so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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