no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
