How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
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