hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
