He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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