You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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