Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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