Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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