her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
