I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
