Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
