dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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