He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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