barbara walters just said penis...
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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