I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
