Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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