I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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