my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He felt like a one man threesome
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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