I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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