I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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