I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
