Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
