Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
