god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
