Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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