I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
