Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
