I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
