i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
