I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I fill condoms, not promises.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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