Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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