He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
