Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
