Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
