he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
