Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
