You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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