She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
