i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize