It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
