thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Fuck me I smell like cheese
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
