90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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