She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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