Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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