my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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