I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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