i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
