I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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