so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize