I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
