I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just gift wrapped bread.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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