SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
