The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
