Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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