And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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