Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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