seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
