This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
